— TheToothfish

Oh, yes. This is very much a real thing. I’m particularly thrilled by the gloopy-ness of the sauce. 

The last time I poked fun at the DUC, I was lamenting their knife skills (or lack thereof). Since then, I’ve been cooking in my own kitchen and, on average, living a very satiated lifestyle. But every once in a while, whether that be because of convenience or other constraints, I make the trek up that spiral staircase and stand in line with Freshmen who think that fries, pizza and four brownies make a complete meal. A recent sojourn led me to this gem: nachos (Fritos, taco meat, canned nacho cheese sauce).

Oh, you bet your Dooley Dollar’s that this thing is real. I don’t know what else to say except that this creation is something I’d expect from someone on campus with serious munchies at 4 AM and a limited pantry.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Evan clearly fed a plate of corned beef, potato wedges and unpeeled carrots to a wild boar and then waited diligently for its bowel movement.”  Yes, there has been some tinkering with the potatoes, but I refuse to take responsibility for this entire plate. The rest is as it was presented.

I like to call this piece, “A Stand Against Conformity.” It’s unclear how a carrot can be cut so many different ways with a knife that, I assume, doesn’t magically morph through an entire set of  Ronco Cutlery. And what’s the deal with not peeling the carrots? Don’t tell me it has something to do with vitamins or sustainability. I will, I dare say, vomit at such a defense.

April 11, 2011.

Dear Diary,

I have only three weeks left to dine at the DUC. The end is in sight. Next semester, I’ll have my own kitchen and won’t have to worry about identifying mystery dishes. But three weeks is a long time, and the DUC seems determined to punish me until the very end. Look, diary! Look at this dish. It’s a combination of polenta and squash puree with wilted zucchini and another form of red sauce. This thing was waiting for me at the Vegan station, and I feel for the vegans who actually have no other choice. Well that’s not true. They can choose between this or the tofu at the salad bar. Yes, tofu. Doesn’t tofu make it all better?  But back to this baby food I was recently served, the flavors were so unknown, so obscure for polenta. Is that pepper I taste? What is the sourness? No, diary! This cannot go on. I guess I’ll just make myself another peanut butter and jelly sandwich. By my estimation, I say I’ve eaten at least 5 a week since I got here.

Livestrong, eat well,

The Toothfish

I think it’s admirable that the DUC tries to feed us college students vegetables, but it’s stuff like this that gives wonderful foods like cauliflower a bad name.

I have several questions. First and foremost, what is the black stuff that plagues the cauliflower’s virgin-white florets? Dirt? Mold?! Secondly, why are the carrots and mushrooms (in the back) mixed with ice cubes. You can’t see it but this entire tray of vegetables is resting on a giant bed of ice. Temperature is a concern, but this is overkill.

Now there are two explanations for the moldy vegetables a la ice cubes. Either some fratbro decided to ice the entire DUC (I don’t expect people older than 23 to get this reference) or the DUC is trying to turn its rabbit population into carnivores. “Vegetables are bad for you!” the DUC declares.